Saturday Night's Main Event #2 Page 2
Mean Gene interviews Hulk, in the White
"American Made" t-shirt. Every listing of the match calls this a flag
match, but other than Vince saying Hulk's defending his title and the honor of
his country, no talk is made about it being a flag match.
Volkoff attacks Hulk before the bell as he puts his flag away. Tons of forearms,
then sends Hogan to the buckle, and finally the belt falls off. Volkoff then
tears his shirt off and chokes him with it while Jesse laughs about it.
Volkoff tries to throw Hogan into the buckle, but Hogan reverses. Hogan with the
clothesline in the corner, then the sport that he is spits on him, forearms, and
another clothesline.
Volkoff back up, and Hogan uses a headbutt. Right hand knocks Volkoff down
again, then a big foot knocks Volkoff onto the timeskeeper table. Its
pre-hardcore days, so Hogan abandons the table.
Hogan then does his trademark headlock run to the post where his opponent shoves
Hogan shoulder-first instead. Then Volkoff with a couple punches back inside the
ring, and Vince says that Nikolai's sensing victory.
Double axe-handle from the middle rope by Volkoff, then a karate thrust, and a
headbutt. Then a military press, which basically is Volkoff grabbing the back of
Hogan's tights and lifting them as high as he can while he has his other hand on
Hogan's neck. Hence, the "Atomic Wedge" name.
Volkoff turns it into a backbreaker, and gets a two count. Irish whip into the
corner, then a kick to the gut. Volkoff hooks Hogan up for a piledriver, but
Vince thinks he's going to try a backbreaker. Either way, Hogan backdrop out of
it.
Hogan gets a few punches, but Volkoff gets right back on top with some kicks,
and then a bodyslam for a two count, and Hogan's Hulking up. Forearms are no
sold, punches no sold, three Hogan punches.
Volkoff whips Hogan to the buckle, but Hogan dodges, Volkoff hits the post, and
Hogan with the legdrop and a three count. The American Hero then spits on
Volkoff, steals the Russian flag from Blassie, and shines his shoes with it.
Then he throws it down and spits on it.
Well, its a SNME match, so its energetic, but its Hogan and Volkoff. We saw a
backbreaker, and the rest was brawling. But, the backbreaker came after the
Atomic Wedge, so that adds to it. **. Break.
Back from the break, and Hogan calls Volkoff baby doll. Sheesh. Then Hogan gets
all excited, because we get to see that wrestlers are nice people too. Then he
damn near has a heart attack, because MEAN GENE IS PLAYING THE KEYBOARDS FOR THE
WEDDING! As Gorilla says to Brain, "Who Cares?"
We then see the bride in her dress, and Jesse speculates that its a little
off-white. Then Mean Gene interviews the Hillbillies, drawing absoultely NO heat
from the crowd. Gene asks Hillbilly Jim why Elmer isn't worried, and Jim asks
what the best wrestler in the WWF has to worry about. Hello, Jim, he asked you
about Elmer, he didn't ask you about the best wrestler in the WWF. Let me say,
it no suprise that Jim did most of their talking, Elmer's as big an idiot as he
is a terrible wrestler.
--JERRY VALIANT vs. UNCLE ELMER w/HILLBILLY JIM & COUSIN JUNIOR--
The men from the hills come into the ring and dance, and Jesse thinks they all
bought brand new bib overalls for the wedding, and that they are probably $10
lighter because of it. Thank god Jesse's here for this, or else I wouldn't even
watch the wedding later.
Valiant charges Elmer, Elmer slams him, and covers him. And because Elmer's got
so much girth (aka he's so damn fat), Valiant can't kick out. Elmer wins in a
new WWF record :06. DUD. Actually, wait a minute. That was Elmer's best match in
the WWF, so...we'll leave it at dud.
Then, just by dumb luck, they happen to have ready to show us the prior record,
the "nine second" win by King Kong Bundy. It's from WrestleMania I,
and its actually 24 seconds.
Then we hear from the Hillbillies again, and Elmer is GOD AWFUL on the
microphone. Next is The Body Shop!
If you don't know what this is, this is Jesse's version of Piper's Pit. They
bring in some weights and a bench press, and put it in the ring. Jesse talks to
Bobby "The Brain" Heenan about why he lifted the bounty on Paul
Orndorff from $25K to $50K.
FYI: Orndorff fired Brain as a manager, so he put a bounty on him. So this
carries on for about six months, then another six months go by, and Orndorff
turns his back on Hogan, and goes back to Brain, then fires him AGAIN!
--PAUL ORNDORFF vs. ROWDY RODDY PIPER--
Okay, Piper & Orndorff lost to Hogan & Mr. T at WM I, as Bob Orton hits
Orndorff with his cast, and he gets pinned. So Piper blames Orndorff, so he
fires Brain and we get this. Orndorff sucks on the mike, then we get
Piper!
Piper was a good wrestler, but one of the best of all time on the mike. He says
if he beats Orndorff and Heenan doesn't give him the money, he'll rip Bobby's
head off too!!!! Piper then says the reason he's against the wedding because if
they get married, in 12 years there could be 5 more Uncle Elmers, and who the
hell needs that! AMEN, BROTHER!
Piper could draw heat by simply smiling, as at this time he's the biggest heel
in the WWF. He and Hogan main event The Wrestling Classic a couple months later.
Then Heenan comes out with the briefcase, and we go to break.
We're back, and McMahon says that the check Piper would get if he wins would
probably bounce. I think he's an idiot since we saw the briefcase with the money
earlier on "The Body Shop", and Jesse verbalizes my thought seconds
later.
Piper and Orndorff start, and basically beat the living hell out of each other
with punches. Piper clothesline, then a vicious kick to the face. Piper then
bounces Orndorff's head off the mat, as the ring fills with garbage thrown at
Piper.
Then Orndorff takes him down and bites at his ear. Then Piper bites Orndorff.
Piper with a greco-roman running stomp, then kicks him outside. Then Piper
misses a chair shot, and they use a table on each other, as Orndorff throws a
chair into the ring with Piper. This is basically 1985's equivalent to TLC in
terms of hardcore.
Orndorff with a double axe-handle off the top, then a belly-to-back suplex. HOLY
COW! A wrestling maneuver!!! Orndorff pounds away, but Roddy's eye poke gets the
advantage. I always loved that Piper always worked that into his matches.
The two bump heads and go down. Then Piper misses a splash! Orndorff with a
right hand, then a flying body press takes them both over the top, and they beat
the living hell out of each other all the way back to the dressing room, even
underneath Jesse and Vince! Double countout.
We get a camera in the back, and Piper runs inside a room. Orndorff sticks his
hand in till Piper finally gets it locked. That was awesome, as the heat was
amazing, and Piper was so damn nuts it was fun.
Its a hell of a brawl, and the belly-to-back suplex was nice, the only wrestling
move used. ***3/4. It was a stupid ending when you watched it, but a smart one
for milking us fans to see a real finish. Oh no, the wedding is next!
Okay, we're back. This is the wedding. Bride comes out, and goes through the
ropes, held open by Hogan in street clothes, and Andre in his tights, as he
wrestles next. Then the rest would absolutely suck, but it doesn't for two
reasons.
First, Jesse is absolutely fucking hilarious during it. Elmer can barely read
the vows coherently, and Jesse laughs and makes fun of him, so that makes it
watchable. Then, Piper comes out in the middle, saying the whole place
stinks.
They put a cut version of this on the WWF Home Video of Jesse, just leaving the
Jesse hilariousness. If you've never heard Jesse do this, watch it once. The
crowd obviously is getting bored with it, that's why Piper comes out. It's not
unwatchable, just boring. Thank god Jesse's there to save it.
--KING KONG BUNDY & BIG JOHN STUDD w/BOBBY HEENAN vs. ANDRE THE GIANT &
TONY ATLAS w/CAPTAIN LOUIS ALBANO--
Mean Gene interviews Big John Studd, King Kong Bundy and Heenan. Brain says that
like NBC has a peacock for its logo, we'll see a 500 pound turkey go down in the
ring, and we go to break.
Back, and we get a flashback from The Big Event in Toronto, when Studd held
Andre while Bundy hits three splashes. Andre and KKB start, and Bundy tries to
run at Andre. So he simply sticks his hand out and meets Bundy's throat.
He chokes Bundy with Bundy's strap, then pounds away, and squashes him in the
corner. Big forearm to the chest, that Vince calls a chop. Back to Andre's best
offensive move, the choke, then he rams Bundy's head into Atlas'.
Atlas in, and Bundy with a forearm and a back elbow, but misses a splash.
Jumping headbutt by Atlas, and Studd's tagged in. Studd with a shoulderblock,
then Atlas with a nice leapfrog, as all 6-foot-8 of Studd is basically standing
straight up and Atlas leaps over him.
Atlas with a headbutt, chop, headbutt, and tries to slam him in the corner?
Studd blocks, and dodges an Atlas dropkick. Elbowdrop, then stomps by Studd. He
tries to attack Andre, but Andre headbutts him. However, while that happens
Bundy splashes Atlas.
Atlas tags Andre in, marking the only time I've ever seen Andre enter the ring
through the ropes rather than over them. Andre with forearms and a headbutt,
then a vicious headbutt, and, as Vince actually calls correctly, it ain't just
big, its a HUGE foot by Andre, knocking Studd outside.
Bundy attacks Andre from behind, and pounds away. Studd then gets Atlas and
sends him into the ringpost, so they can doubleteam Andre. Avalanche in the
corner by Bundy, and the bell rings. They keep pounding on Andre, while Atlas is
dead somewhere. Finally Hogan comes in, and he and Andre clean house, setting
their tag team match at the next SNME.
Disqualification win for Andre & Atlas, and due to the lack of wrestling,
*3/4. Commercial break.
Back with Mean Gene in the ring, and he talks to Hogan. Bascially, Hogan says he
came out because the team in the ring won, and rambles on about something else.
Let me rephrase that: Hogan comes out and talks about how he is great and Andre
is cool. Oh, and some guy named Tony was wrestling too. Vince teases a tag match
on the next SNME, which as I said happens. What is he, owner of the company?
Now, an update from the first SNME for us. George Steele is involved in a
six-man tag match, and Capt. Lou, The US Express & Ricky Steamboat help
Steele in the end. They give George shock therapy, and at first it works, then
George runs. So "Jungle Gene" Okerlund goes to the Detroit Zoological
Park to find George, and they go around finding animals, and making fun of WWF
wrestlers with them. Pointless and stupid.
We see Leaping Lanny Poffo and Tony Garea in the ring, the challengers for the
tag champs, the Dream Team and Johnny Valiant, who are with Gene. Valiant is
smoking his cigar, and flicks the lighter a couple time in Gene's face. We see
how they won the titles, and take a break.
--Tag Team Title Match
DREAM TEAM w/JOHNNY VALIANT vs. TONY GAREA & LANNY POFFO--
This would be your basic squash. Valentine and Poffo start, and Valentine pounds
away. Poffo was a real good worker, and very, very athletic. But in the days of
300 pound muscle heads, he was a jobber, then "The Genius."
Valentine with a bodyslam, and tags in Brutus. Poffo fights the two off for a
minute, and a hiptoss, then a dropkick, and a bodyslam on Beefcake. Then a
MOONSAULT!!!!!
Valentine comes in to break up the two count, then Beefcake with some punches,
and tags Valentine in. They double team Poffo, then Valentine hits Poffo a
couple times and Beefcake in. Bodyslam for a one count, and Garea gets tagged
in.
Clothesline, then a dropkick on Beefcake. Valentine comes in, so he gets one
too. Flying body press on Brutus gets two, and some New Zealand punishment on
Beefcake. Garea's charge to the corner is met by a Beefcake elbow, then
Valentine in.
Valentine with a figure-four, and that's your match. Champs win by submission.
Thankfully, and as usual, all the offense is Valentine's, and he takes most of
the bumps. And Poffo is great. Poffo, Garea, and Valentine do their best to make
this squash a great match. ***. Could have been better with more time.
OH GOD! THE WEDDING RECEPTION! I FORGOT ABOUT THE DAMN WEDDING RECEPTION! We
take a break, and return with the reception. Okay, we have Vince and Jesse on
the sides of this table, with Hogan and Orndorff in the middle. Jesse's writing
a poem. We'll get to that in due time.
Hogan and Orndorff tell Vince what they thought of the wedding, but Jesse is so
damn hilarious as he complains and gripes about the food, and the wedding, and
god knows what else. Jesse says he dressed down for it, with his Keith Richards
look, elegantly stoned. Gotta love Jesse.
Gene interviews Albano and Junior, then Poffo with a poem. Then Jim makes a
toast, and Tiny Tim and Gene make fun of each other, and Tim gives Elmer a
present. Then Elmer sings, which isn't REAL BAD, but it certainly isn't good. I
think the song is "Walk Through This World With Me," but I'm sure the
regular version is WAY BETTER.
Okay, here's my savior, Jesse, with the poem. I just have to type it out, so
here it is:
"There's always a place in life for love,
a place for the lillies, a place for the doves
There's always a time in life to care,
a time to cuddle and a time to share.
Yes, a time and place for everything,
a time to dance and a time to sing.
Now I've seen your dance, and I've heard your song,
and I must tell you...that this is WRONG!!!!
That wrestling is a deadly dance,
and is no partner to romance.
And SHAME ON THOSE WHO EVER DID MIX
WRESTLING AND ROMANCE JUST FOR THESE HICKS!"
Orndorff and Hogan chase Jesse, and Jim trips him into the cake. He's only
telling the truth, boys! Break, wrap up, "Take Me Home."
*****Well, this is a good Saturday Night's Main Event, as I must say that
despite what I remembered, the wrestling wasn't bad, and Jesse and Roddy save
the wedding stuff. This is the beginning of the three edition Hillbillies vs.
Piper/Jesse feud, as next they damn near brawl on Piper's Pit, then they wrestle
on the following one. Also, the Hogan and Andre thing is really what starts the
ball rolling on the Hogan-Andre thing, as Andre teams with him at the next SNME,
but eventually thinks that Hogan only did it for his help, and it all blows up
on Piper's Pit, and WM 3 happens. A hellacious, 1985 hardcore brawl, and a fun
tag team match. Elmer sucks, and so does Volkoff-Hogan. I give it ***, as its
**1/2 for wrestling, and 1/2* for Jesse's commentary during the wedding. So, ***
for Saturday Night's Main Event of October 1985.*****