WWF Royal Rumble 1989 Page 2
·
Slick responds to the accusations of tampering with the draw. These kinds
of little, non-drawn-out, character building segments are lacking today.
·
Super Posedown. Today, this is the very definition of something that goes
on Nitro or RAW rather than a PPV. In this case, it's out there to build to the Rude-Warrior
match at Wrestlemania V. Rude poses. The crowd boos. Warrior poses. The crowd
cheers. Rude poses again. The crowd boos. Warrior poses (with Jesse actually
analyzing the posing). The crowd cheers. Rude poses. The crowd boos. Warrior
poses. The crowd cheers. Geez, why didn't Rude just attack him during the first
pose?
Rude goes through a
pose medley. The crowd boos. Warrior goes through a pose medley and (duh) Rude
attacks him. Bit of a waste of 15 minutes when it could have been done on
Superstars. I mean, really, who DIDN'T see that coming? I know I bitched about
the WCW Sledgehammer of Plot a lot, but this is really a shining example of what
I mean by it. Even if it was the WWF.
·
Crown match: King Haku v. Harley Race
The story: Race was
King, but got put through a table by the Orange Goblin and basically had his
career ended. This was a one-shot comeback match to "legitimize"
Haku's claim to the crown. Haku controls with "martial arts" (which
roughly translated means "chops while screaming") but Race wins a
headbutt battle (he's got a loaded head, you know) and hits a piledriver for
two.
Race with more 70s
offense and goes for a piledriver on the floor, but Haku backdrops out of it.
They fight for a bit and then Race hits the piledriver for real. Pretty weak
one, though. Crowd is gone, not really caring about either guy. More kneedrops
and neckbreakers from Race, but Haku fights back with "martial arts"
and a headbutt off the top, which misses. Race tries the same, and misses.
Double knockout, and Race is up first. He comes off the ropes and eats Haku's
SWEET thrust kick finisher for the pin to retain the crown. Pretty good job of
carrying the un-carryable Haku by Race, actually. ***
·
More pre-Rumble sound bites from the participants. Big John Studd
gives a horrible interview. Savage sounds pretty whacked out. The
Powers of Pain breathe heavily a lot.
·
Five minute intermission.
·
We're back with last-minute words from Dibiase, who is now MUCH happier.
But there's no shenanigans, no sir.
·
The Heenan Family adds their thoughts. Andre the Giant
notes that he'll toss the Brainbusters out if he has to. Then, in a
spectacular moment, Arn Anderson whispers something in Tully
Blanchard's ear, behind Heenan's back. Now who else would actually have the
forethought to add overtones of scheming against his own stable-mates without
actually having to say so?
·
The Orangle Goblin spouts hot air.
·
The Royal Rumble:
We start with a
classic moment: Ax draws #1, Smash draws #2. Then, to reinforce
the idea of the Rumble, they give a quick look and then go to town on each
other. The Demos demonstrate why they never fought each other, because their
segment is pretty lousy. Andre the Giant gets #3. The Demos immediately drop
their hostilities and go after Andre. Andre can handle himself, because he's the
world's largest athlete and all.
Perfect is #4.
Andre casually tosses Smash. Ax turns on Perfect, who ends up doing a Bret-esque
turnbuckle charge bump. Ronnie Garvin is #5. Joy. Ax, Hennig and Garvin
all go after Andre. He fights them off. Hennig does the OVERSELL! of an Andre
punch, which is a situation where it works.
Valentine is
#6. Guess who he goes right after. Poor Andre. Buh-bye, Garvin. Jake is
#7, and since he was feuding with Andre, that's who he goes after. Things settle
down a bit as everyone finds a partner and dances. Valentine works in a Flair
flop off an Andre headbutt.
Ron Bass is #8.
Andre tosses Jake. It should be noted that despite the inherant tastelessness of
the Ric Flair heart attack angle, the WWF did the same thing (albeit in a more
cartoonish way) with the "Andre fears snakes" angle in 1989. Shawn
Michaels is #9, years before that meant anything.
Ax gets dumped
Perfectly. Michaels and Hennig start fighting and go into a series of overblown
somersault sells and intricate ways to go over the top rope without getting
eliminated. Show-offs. Bushwhacker Butch is #10, and Jake follows quickly
with Damien, chasing Andre over the top and out of the match prematurely
in cheap fashion.
Honky Tonk Man
is #11. We're in kind of a lull here. We now have three of the most melodramatic
sellers in history in the ring at the same time. The crowd is really getting
into the elimination attempts, which just underlines the brilliance of the
Rumble concept: It's a battle royale for people with limited attention span, so
you can concentrate on one or two battles at a time, with fresh guys in every
few minutes. You know what's weird? Today we remember feuds from years ago and
they're incorporated into angles all the time, but Santana (#12) was
fighting Valentine here and no mention is made of their long-running feud in
1985.
Honky gets tossed via
a double-team. Bad News Brown is #13 (how fitting) and does nothing of
note. Marty Jannetty gets #14 and the Rockers reunite to double-dropkick
Bass out. Savage is #15 to a big pop. Arn Anderson is #16 as
Valentine gets tossed by Macho. Arn and Shawn pair off. Savage joins in...on
Arn's side. They toss Michaels.
Tully Blanchard
is #17. There's some pretty damn good workers in there right now...Bad News,
Savage, Jannetty, Anderson, Blanchard, Santana, Hennig...I guess Butch is the
exception that proves the rule. The Brainbusters double-team Jannetty
mercilessly. Hogan is #18.
Hennig is the first
victim of Goblin-mania. Santana gets tossed off-camera. Luke is #19.
Butch gets tossed by Bad News. Wow, look, Hulk's selling for Arn. Koko B.
Ware is #20. Yeah, that'll turn the tide. You'd think Arn would learn NOT TO
GO TO THE TOP ROPE after 15 years of getting slammed off it. Especially in a
battle royale. Hulk dumps Luke.
Warlord is #21
as Hogan dumps the Brainbusters at the same time. Bastard. Warlord in, Warlord
out. Savage and Bad News are fighting on the ropes and Hogan dumps both of them.
Savage freaks out. Hey, Hogan, keep that in mind in three years when the same
shit would happen to you and YOU threw a temper tantrum. Hogan and Savage make
up, only to have a violent breakup a month later.
Bossman (#22)
breaks up the Megapower love-in. Hogan and Bossman are all alone and Bossman
takes over on Hulk. Gorilla: "He's been out there for half an hour!"
Jesse: "You idiot, he's only been there for five minutes or so...".
Akeem is #23,
so the Twin Towers assault poor Hogan. Hogan's got his working boots on tonight.
The Towers continue the beat down and unceremoniously eliminate Hogan, to the
shock of the crowd. Hogan throws a tantrum and beats up Bossman.
Brutus Beefcake
is #24. The Towers beat on him, too, but Hogan cheats and pulls Bossman out over
the top rope to eliminate him. What a role model. One thing does bother me: If
Dibiase was unhappy enough with his number to trade, that would indicate he got
a low number to start with. But Bossman ended up with 22 and Akeem got 23, so
why would Dibiase have been unhappy with either of those? Oh well, minor point.
Terry Taylor (aka
The Red You-Know-What) is #25. He's not very effective. Barbarian
is #26 as Taylor and Beefcake work over Akeem. We're getting into the dregs of
the draw. Akeem splashes Taylor and dances. All the girlies say he's pretty fly
for a white guy, you know. John Studd is #27 and man is Taylor taking a
shitkicking.
Hercules is
#28. Geez, the crowd sure died off once Hogan and Savage left. This is like the
lost puppy section of the SPCA in terms of star power. Rick Martel is
#29, a few months before his heel turn. He goes after Akeem, but Studd pushes
him away, like everyone else who tries to go after Akeem. Studd wants him for
himself, you see. And of course, Ted Dibiase is #30 thanks to his
investment.
Okay, so the final
tally: Dibiase, Akeem, Studd, Taylor, Beefcake, Hercules, Barbarian and Martel.
Oops, there goes Taylor via Dibiase. What a sad group of finalists. Beefcake
puts Hercules in a sleeper and Dibiase pushes both of them over at once. Barbie
misses a BIG BOOT OF DOOM and Martel dropkicks him out.
Final four: Martel,
Dibiase, Akeem, Studd. Well, 50% don't suck. Akeem casually dumps Martel off a
bodypress attempt. Akeem and Dibiase double-team Studd. Well, actually, Akeem
beats on Studd and Dibiase supervises. Oops, he got caught in between. Studd
knocks out the stunned Akeem, leaving Studd and Dibiase. Studd dominates and
tosses Dibiase to win the "first" Royal Rumble.
First 2/3 was
super-hot, but it died off once Hogan left. ***
The Bottom Line: Hey, wow, nothing sucked here. Seriously, this was a surprisingly solid card (albeit completely forgettable) from top to bottom. Okay, discount the Super Posedown. Everyone seemed to be making an effort tonight for once. This was pretty much nearing the end of the Golden Age, too, so it's something of an abomination. Recommended.