A Touch of Class

When mentioning the great writers and authors of our time, the names David Mamet, John Irving, and Elmore Leonard immediately spring to mind. However, one name that often escapes these listings of outstanding scribes is that of Sir Oliver Humperdink. For several months in 1980, Humperdink thrilled readers of the Florida weekly wrestling program, The Grapevine, with his quick wit and insight on the day’s current mat happenings in his column, “A Touch Of Class.” For a mere dollar an issue, fans statewide could read Humperdink’s musings on Dusty Rhodes, Rednecks, and British Aristocracy. Humperdink had joined a long list of wrestling dignitaries who’d penned their own columns in the program. Sonny King had previously reviled readers with his “Analysis” column. Mr. Saito nearly destroyed Japanese-American relations with his diatribes in “Samurai,” and the Missouri Mauler covered everything from the impressive girth of Dusty Rhodes to the political infrastructure of American government in his offering, “The Voice Of The People.” Sure, all of these columns were actually penned by longtime wrestling program publisher and editor Jerry Prater, but it didn’t matter. After all, kayfabe was still the name of the game back then. Adopting the personality and characteristics of each individual, Prater was able to subtly craft these columns into fine literary pieces, interwoven with humor, intelligence, and depth. Sure, James Joyce never had to worry about his spot in the literary world being filled by any stars from CWF, but for the thousands statewide who plunked down their money for some fun reading material, this would suffice. 

Sir Oliver Humperdink was no stranger to the balmy shores of Florida. Having first arrived in the state in the spring of 1974, Humperdink angered fans with his nefarious antics while serving as the manager for one of wrestling’s greatest tag teams, The Hollywood Blondes, Buddy Roberts and Jerry Brown. Exiting the state in November of that year after a successful campaign that saw them capture the Florida tag belts, Humperdink and the Blondes would return in June 1976, dominating the tag-team scene and capturing the Florida tag belts once again. Humperdink and the Blondes departed CWF in November, splitting up shortly after, with all three men going their separate ways. When Humperdink returned to CWF in late 1979, he was quickly aligned with the top heels in the state at the time, and the House of Humperdink was born. It was during this tour that Sir Oliver would begin to offer his wit and wisdom in his column, “A Touch Of Class.” Peering deeply into the psyche of one of the greatest wrestling managers to ever guide a career, the column was no doubt created by Prater to bring lots of heel heat upon the shoulders of Humperdink, and bring heel heat it did.  

I’ve assembled a broad selection of some of the more interesting passages from ATOC. Sure, they may not be politically correct by today’s standards, and some may view them as nothing more than a blatant rant on southerners. But, for the minions who devoured each word week after week, nothing was more satisfying than an ice-cold draught, conveyer-belt frozen pizza, and The Grapevine while sitting ringside. 

Surprisingly, the biggest irritant to Sir Oliver Humperdink wasn’t Dusty Rhodes or Bubba Douglas, but the group of Americans known simply as “rednecks.” Week after week, Humperdink would expound on his enemy, the redneck, with venomous anger and disgust. 

Rednecks have become the very bane of my existence. I received a letter from one the other day that just made me so upset that I…well, let me quote you a portion of it. “I looked you up in the latest edition of Burke’s peerage,” he began, “and there is no Humperdink listed.” Now that is a filthy lie. This person went on to imply that my parents were less than noble personages, and I want you to know that I resent this very much! This individual insinuated that I should apologize to Dusty Rhodes—imagine, a man of my station, apologizing to a common redneck! He, she or it said that I should, “…put (my) heart in America or get my (posterior) out…” This is disgraceful!  More...